The Anxiety Machine

A few times a month, I have bad anxiety days.

Not days when I have panic attacks – which, thankfully, are rare – just days when my anxiety sits on top of me like a layer of rocks, reminding me of everything stupid I might have done or might have done wrong, or even things I might do wrong but haven’t yet.

It’s draining.

I’ve been on edge since Friday, when I was spoken to by my principal about how I was late for professional development this week.

The conversation wasn’t a big deal – I’m not in trouble, I wasn’t even scolded about it.

And yet I spent two hours yesterday obsessing over it, because I got a three sentence email that went over what we had spoken about.

I struggled to check my work email today for fear that something else from the principal would be in it.

I had a job interview today, for the new position, and have spent the four hours since cringing over everything I said and how dumb I’m sure I looked and now there’s a follow-up email from the interviewer with a few extra questions and they are nothing I can’t answer but I am paralyzed, and I CAN’T.

And it’s so frustrating to feel like this.

I manage most days, and my anxiety disorder is mild and generally well maintained with medications, but these days suck.

Anxiety sucks.

And the worse part of it is?

Anxiety makes me feels like I suck.