Children’s Books I Will Not Read to Children – Volume 1

1. Rainbow Fish

A dreamy young fish becomes lonely and is convinced by the wise octopus that the only way to make friends is to give up everything that makes him different.

Moral of the story: Buy your friends. Be just like everyone else.

How it should end: Rainbow fish takes his scales back and tells them he’d rather make friends who like him for him.

2. Wemberly Worried

A young mouse with a severe anxiety disorder is repeatedly told by her family to “Stop worrying!” She makes a friend, and everyone thinks she cured.

Moral of the story: You’re being an idiot.

How it should end: Wemberly has a total panic attack on the playground, the ambulance is called, and the doctor proceeds to put her on medication, therapy, and berate her parents for medical neglect.

3. Love You Forever

An elderly woman drives across town to break into a house and emotionally molest her middle aged son.

Moral of the story: Parents have the right to touch you inappropriately without your permission, because THEY LOVE YOU.

How it should end: Middle aged son cuts off Mommy Dearest and moves so she can never find him again.