The Fun of Living Somewhere New

From Dumb Laws, which is a great place to waste time.

I have been researching my new state, because aside from spending large amounts of summer here as a child, I dont know all that much about NC. Except that I love it, and it is awesome. So, if you’re planning on moving to NC, or even thinking about visiting, here are a few things you should know:

Elephants may not be used to plow cotton fields.

You hear me? NO ELEPHANTS. Leave them at home where they belong!

However, what I find infinitely more entertaining is the amount of laws dedicated to when and where and how you can have sex.

No, really.

While having sex, you must stay in the missionary position and have the shades pulled.

But..but, we dont HAVE shades in our living room. HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO HAVE SEX IN THERE?

It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard.

What? Are they out to ruin ALL of my fun? First, I cant have sex in my own living room, and NOW i cant get busy in a churchyard? I mean, what about all those times after church when we just have to rip our clothes off RIGHT THERE because church makes us so hot?

…oh, wait. We dont go to church. Never mind.

All couples staying overnight in a hotel must have a room with double beds that are at least two feet apart.

Because the only people who stay in hotels are UNMARRIED people who want to have SEX with the shades up. AND NOT IN THE MISSIONARY POSITION.

Then again, it doesnt look like it would have done us any good to have moved anywhere else, either.

In Florida, unmarried couples may not commit “lewd acts” and live together in the same residence.

So…it was ok when we werent living together? COOL.

In Mississippi, It is illegal to teach others what polygamy is.

Well, shit. What am I supposed to do when someone wonders what the hell is going on on Big Love?

Speaking of Big Love, in Utah, No one may have sex in the back of an ambulance if it is responding to an emergency call.

Which, frankly, I fully support, because I bet alot of people might have emergencies in the churchyard or something.

And, Im very very sorry to report to Natalie and Dave that in Maryland, oral sex can not be given or received anywhere.

NOT EVEN IN YOUR LIVING ROOM WITH THE SHADES PULLED.