LYLAS

Dear Babysitter-of-the-week,

I realize we have had some communication mishaps! Perhaps we should go and examine each misunderstanding!

For example, when I said, The baby can have one container of babyfood a day, and some of these neat finger food crackers with a baby on the front of the package,

I did NOT mean, Please stuff my baby full of this yummy allergen-risky peanut butter!

And, when I said, You can’t take the baby to your house,

or even, The baby needs to stay here,

or EVEN I understand that you took him to your house today, thank you for telling me. Please don’t take him, again.

I did NOT, in fact, mean, Please take my child out into the cold weather OF ALASKA in god-knows-what clothes for god-knows-how-long to get to YOUR HOUSE, where my husband and I have never even seen.

I understand your confusion! These things could happen to anybody!

I mean, after all, I know you know that it’s not ok to let OTHER PEOPLE’S KIDS into our house “to play” or “to visit” before school starts after we’ve left! I mean, WHO WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

But, there is ONE MORE TINY misunderstanding we need to clear up.

When we welcomed you into our house to babysit, and told you Feel free to use the television. Here are all of our movies. Adjust the temperature to your comfort level!,

at no point EVER did I mean OR say, Feel free to use my computer.

Nor did I say, Be sure to let the child rip off some of the keys! He LOVES that game!,

and I FOR DAMN SURE never said, After the child has ripped off the keys, be sure and close the keyboard and pretend it never happened! Don’t feel the need to tell me!

Because there is NOTHING I like more than coming home, opening my laptop and noticing that FIVE KEYS HAVE SPONTANEOUSLY DISAPPEARED.

Now, we’ve got those silly little misunderstandings taken care of! Let’s go over one more thing, ok?

When I say, We’re going to hire our old babysitter back,

I mean, The girl who stays with an abusive jackass at least knows how to follow our rules and respect our stuff.

Is that clear enough? I can draw you a picture, if that will help.

Please, let me know. By which I mean, WHAT THE FUCK, LADY.

Sincerely,
alianora