Job Search

So, my latest therapy assignment was to discuss with brandus what i liked and didnt like about work, so i can actually figure out why i keep teaching when every experience so far has either been miserable or barely tolerable.

Good question! Let us examine.

(cut for those who dont care, or are sick of me talking about it)

1) i am the stubbornest person ever on the face of the planet, and am physically incapable of giving up.

Partially true. But also, i think it has a good amount to do with the fact that i decided on being a teacher when i was 17, and cant get my head around the fact i was wrong. or something, anyway.

Probably has a good bit more to do with the fact ive been planning and counting on it for so long, that when it looked like it would work, i started to fall apart. please see example: Senior year of college, and Fort Moron Multiple Handicaps classroom.

I dont do well when my plans change. im not the most spontaneous of people, and my plans falling apart around me makes me twitch.

2) I enjoy dementing molding young minds.

Partially true. I like my kids, i like hanging out with kids, in general. At the pool during the summer, even from when i was about 13, i would end up playing with younger kids in the water while their moms took a nap or went and got lunch. I like kids.

3) Teaching pays well.

Well, that would be false.

However, it does pay better than being a day care worker, which i tried and hated, or working in a bookstore, which i still want to do, and am trying to get into for the summer. (Borders has no interest in me. my heart is broken).

4) I believe in what i am doing.

TRUE. completely true. And that i think, is a large part of why im struggling so much with this. I still believe what i am doing is needed and worthwhile. these kids need someone on their side, who believes that can be independent, and can hold jobs, and can do it all on their own.

Im just not sure if that person can be me.

5) There are certain things about teaching that i like

True. I like the kids. I dont like lesson planning, doing endless paperwork, and having to censor my every thought, and having to be ON the whole time at work.

Other jobs? People can take a break, mostly. At lunchtime, my free time, i routinely have anywhere from six to ten kids in my classroom. I get here before school, and there are kids. I stay here after school, and there are KIDS.

Im not saying other jobs are any easier, but one where i didnt have to be interacting and censoring and behavior managing all day sounds absolutely lovely. Is it wrong that I just want an hour to do nothing but catch up on needed phone calls and paperwork? I CANT.

If i am at work, Im ON, and Im running, and im supervising, and im telling kids to give me that lighter, watch your language, thats against dress code go get another shirt, throw your trash away, straighten your desks, im sorry she said she hates you, please dont stand in the middle of the hallway, put that cell phone away, no you cant use my phone to call your mom to come pick you up, go see your math teacher, sure i can help with science, a sentence needs punctuation, im sorry mommy wont bring your homework to you but thats a zero, youre late for class go back to the commons, check your grades, and who stole my hall pass?

I just want something LESS.

I want to be busy. I like being busy. But this is endless treading water. I dont feel like im getting anywhere.

So why the hell am i still here? See above reasons. and also, insanity.

Part of me still doesnt want to give up. And part of me wants to go be a yak herder in yugoslavia.

Brandus and i had a long talk about the last time i was happy teaching.

To tell the truth? Ive never been happy teaching. I enjoy summer school. 4 hours a day, 4 days a week, and add in bus pickup, recess, snack time and circle, and i was left with about an hour to plan for. But my “real” teaching jobs? I have never enjoyed.

That fact leaves me depressed.

Oddly, the time i enjoyed enough, was working one on one as a sign language interpreter.

Now, im not the greatest signer in the world, but seeing as i had a MH 6 year old, and a preschool 4 year old, i could keep up.

And working with Derek? Was great. He had multiple handicaps, and was one of the stubbornest kids you will ever meet, but working with him..most days..was fun! He had cognitive delays, no speech (he would say “Mama” and “milk”), profound hearing impairments, and was not currently walking when i started work with him.

Basically, i was a para for him.

And the teacher for the classroom was an IDIOT (which is how i ended up taking over that class the next year) who had only ever had one special education class, so he had no idea what he was doing. So, I had free reign. If i felt like Derek should work on his colors and making snack choices? We could. If i felt it was a day to work on the computer, we could.

So, Im considering deaf ed, intinerit teaching (meaning would travel from school to school working one on one or in small groups). maybe. Would give me more freedom, and the structure would be looser than it is where i am.

But it would require going back to school yet again.

Brandus thinks librarian. But thats a HUGE job. its very intensive, and librarians dont always get to do the fun stuff, like read during storytime, or handle the book club stuff. thats mainly the assisstants.

And besides, there goes going back to school again.

I dont want to rule anything out, but i dont want to go back to school, waste my dad’s money, just to get halfway through (again) and discover this isnt what i want either.

So, right now?

I want to work at a bookstore. Or in a library. Im looking for part time jobs at either kind of place. If it doesnt come through, maybe i will volunteer in one of the libraries over the summer. That would at least give me some ideas about whether i would like it or not.

And Melisa has a friend who is a deaf educator, and maybe she wont mind if i tag along with her to work once or twice.

Overall, the therapy and the drugs (dear god, the drugs. i love the drugs) have me functioning somewhat normally again, without screaming panic attacks or crying jags. So I am doing better. And i feel better about not teaching next year, if it comes to that. But im still partially in limbo. I feel like i cant take anymore steps in my life without deciding SOMETHING about work.

Depression and jobs SUCK.