A Long December

Posted on 12/12/2015 by alianora

December is a hard month. I know that. It’s dark. It’s cold.

And I’ve got a divorce hovering over my head, the first Christmas without him, and the upcoming anniversary of the scariest day of my life when he had a seizure. And the anniversary of everything really falling apart.

I know. I do. And I know it will pass. And I’ll make it through.

But it’s hard.

I know I’m battling depression. It’s pretty obvious.

I know it sounds stupid, but I can’t even think about the new Star Wars.

I’ve seen the trailer once. I’ve barely looked at any of the media about it.

And trust me, I know how dumb it sounds. But I really really love Star Wars. Han Solo was my first love. My senior year of college, the original trilogy were running constantly in the background. And now I can’t even fathom finding the enthusiasm that is really needed to even go see the new one in the theater.

And that makes me sadder.

I’ll be ok. I’m hormonal, and I have a cold, and a shit ton of other baggage, but it’s ok.

And I’ll go see Star Wars – not the opening weekend, and maybe not for a while. But I’ll go. And I’ll get through the holidays, and make it through December, and survive the divorce.

I know I’ll be ok. I just need a little more time.

Posted in depression | Tagged , , | 4 Comments

Single Parent Panic

Posted on 12/9/2015 by alianora

This will be Voldemort and I’s first Christmas without V’s dad.

I was doing fine with this idea – we have plans to go out of town to visit my sister and her family so it wouldn’t be too weird with just the two of us at home. We still went to The Nutcracker. We have the tree up and decorated.

But then I was contemplating how I’m going to pick up the big present the kiddo is getting, and now I’m worried I don’t have enough presents for them.

Like, I love the IDEA of the “Something you want, something you need, something to wear, something to read,” but the dad has always gone above and beyond to ridiculous degrees, and now I can’t figure out if I need to find more things for the kid or if I’m over reacting and everything will be fine, or if I should just say “Fuck it” and tell my kid we’re converting to whatever stupid Seinfeld religion involves Festivus.

I think this year I might do well at the Airing of Grievances.

Posted in voldemort | 2 Comments

Moles and Trolls

Posted on 12/6/2015 by alianora

Substitute teaching is an interesting beast. I can work full time, if I wish, but I don’t get any benefits – no health care or anything. I can work part time, if I wish, but I don’t get paid to not work. And my phone rings at really weird hours. Last week the sub system called me at noon to ask if I could work at two…while I was working.

It’s actually going pretty well. Not having to deal with a lot of the day to day politics and stress makers has lowered my anxiety a good bit – although going in to a school I’ve never been to before is still terrifying. I’ve only had maybe one school where I didn’t feel welcomed and like I knew what I was doing – and I haven’t been back there. Fortunately, I haven’t had another call for there, which leaves from having to decide if I want to take the risk on going back…and also makes me think they hated me. Isn’t anxiety fun?

Right now, I’m discovering an interesting dilemma.

As I am currently working part time as a special ed teacher at a Montessori school Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I only have Monday and Friday of each week to sub.

I am finding that Sunday nights are wrestling matches between the fact I need money and the face that I’d much rather stay at home.

My brain remarks, apparently casually: You know, you could totally cancel. No one would care as long as you do it tonight.

Me: No, I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Brain: You could get some things done around the house..

Me: It would be nice to bake a bit.

Brain: PERFECT.

Me: No, wait! NO!

Brain: *whining* Come ON. We can come back after dropping off the kid and go back to sleep. Bake cookies..it’s been a while since you’ve worked on a quilt. And you totally need to go to the store.

Me: I can do all these things AFTER work.

Brain: But then you’ll be tired and you won’t want to

Me: NO. …Maybe. Keep talking.

I’ve only succumbed a couple of times so far, and was in the middle of a very difficult round of me vs brain tonight when I got a message that my job tomorrow had been cancelled.

Which is good, because my brain evidently has a list of stuff that needs to get done.

Posted in teach me | 3 Comments

How It Breaks

Posted on 12/2/2015 by alianora

I’ve been pretty quiet about the whole divorce situation on here, and part of it is because there is so much in my head that it’s hard to put it down onto paper. And it’s still not easy to talk about any of it. I still get choked up when I try.

I can’t speak as to his experience with alcoholism. All I can do is speak about mine.

It starts with the things that got broken.

My trust in myself-
How could I not know he was drinking? How did I miss it? Am I purposefully ignoring a problem? Am I enabling him? What more can I do that I’m not doing? Is this my fault? How can I be so stupid?

My trust in him-
We’ve had some set backs. A few relapses. But he’s getting better. He won’t drink again – well, he might drink again. But he won’t lie about it this time. He wants to drive Voldemort to school tomorrow, but I’m scared. He says he went to AA. He cancelled couples’ counseling. I wonder if he’s actually sick or if he’s been drinking.

My sleep pattern-
Stronger anti-anxiety meds, a recommendation from my doctor for melatonin, a Fitbit to track my hours of good sleep. A new pillow. Yoga. Meditation.

My birthday, January 2014-
The first relapse. He doesn’t remember me coming home to find an almost empty large bottle of rum, or asking him how much he drank, or that I told him I was going to go pick up the kid and stay in a hotel. I called in to work for the next two days because I had a panic attack. I called my sister from a parking lot and screamed, so angry and so hurt.

Plans for a baby-
A cancelled adoption. The agency was very nice when they explained. I cried for a long time. I’m glad now, because I’m not sure how I would’ve gotten through this with a baby/little kid in the mix.

Christmas, 2015-
We were on the Santa Clause train. He had been shaky all day. He said he was sick. I looked up in time to see him fall over in slow motion onto our nephew and son. It’s all a bit blurry. I remember Natalie grabbing the boys out of the way, and the Grinch asking if he was ok. I remember that I looked at my watch to time it as he seized, holding my father’s handkerchief to his face as blood ran from where he’d bitten his tongue. I know what detox looks like now.

My birthday, January 2015-
Another relapse. More lies.

Valentine’s Day, February 2015-
And again.

Voldemort’s birthday, April 2015-
He was drinking on our kid’s birthday. I could have handled that, probably. But then he lied. And lied. And lied.

His job.

Our home.

Our life.

My heart.

Posted in alcoholism, mawwiage, voldemort | Tagged | 4 Comments

NaBloPoMo Wrapped Up

Posted on 12/1/2015 by alianora

I was so incredibly proud of myself for posting everyday..and then day 29 hit and I was planning a wrap up post and a celebration, and then I forgot, swore at myself, and sulked for two days.

But hey! Posting 28 out of 30 days is 93%, which is a solid A in letter grades, and that’s pretty darn good, I think!

I did enjoy it, and I blanked on topics much less than I expected..although my inability to finish a post strongly, and instead trail off into blathering remains annoying. I’m pretty sure I kept my posts about long lists of nothing to a minimum, which gives me hope that maybe I’ll actually stick to telling real stories instead of babbling.

…I mean, I’m not counting on it, but it’s a thought.

Right now, though, the kid isn’t feeling too great, and I have to go locate and make tomato soup.

Happy NaBloPoMo to other participants! We made it!

Posted in *poke* | 1 Comment